Be-Dazzle My Disgust, Douche Bag

So, I'm in a really fucked up mood right now. Earlier I tried convincing my Mom that I'm bi-polar so that she'd support my decision to abuse prescription drugs. She, in turn, accused me of ALREADY abusing perscription drugs! This I quickly denied because, really, Vicodan is practically over-the-counter these days, (doctors hand that shit out faster than the free lollipops you get at the counter on your way out) but, alas, my Mother was pretty firm so I think I'll have to postpone my Prozac prescription! :-( It's just been that sort of day. . . Anyways, in light of these events, I decided it's a good time to rant about how all the assholes I come across in the city have a direct effect on moods like this.


Case in point: A few sundays ago Amy and I, being the amazingly devoted and supportive friends that we are, decided to make an appearance at our friend Tony's new weekly party at Roe. We were a bit hesitant at first, considering I had an early flight the next morning and we were probably nursing some sort of gnarly hangover from the night before, but hey, like I said we're amazing friends, so we went. ((That AND Tony convinced me not to be such a pussy, and that plane rides were for sleeping anyways, so I could postpone my precious slumber for the sardine can that awaited me the next morning.)) Now, neither Amy nor I knew what to expect. We'd never been there before, and had the hardest time trying to find what to wear, but once we pulled up I was a little relieved to find Tony standing outside. After handing out our complimentary hugs and 'Hello's!', Tony told us to take off upstairs and take a seat at his table, which apparently was "to the left of the DJ booth", and help ourselves to the booze that was sitting out.

[[YES, PLEASE!]]

As Amy and I made our way upstairs, we immediately noticed the musical stylings of none other than Ginuwine, which I must say made me quite happy (and a little horny) -- just the mood I need to break it down on the dancefloor. As I entered the room and got ready to 'ride that pony', I skimmed the premises to check out the crowd. MUCH to my dismay, I was immediately assaulted with the sight of some skanks in vagina-skimming mini dresses and stripper stillettos. YIKES! I was appalled, but I moved on. As I quickly scanned for some relief, I was only met with a group of 'Guidos' who were obviously on vay-cay from the Jersey shore, an area full of unfriendly asians, and a table to the left of the DJ booth with a pair of pretty boys sipping on Cape Cods. Yes, that's right, pretty boys, sitting TO-THE-LEFT-OF-THE-D-J-BOOTH. . .aka--our table, with Cape Cods!!! Realizing this was our only option to post up at, we made our way to the table. As we approached, the violations continued with the sissy boys eye-fucking the shit out of Amy and I. I suppose it was our own fault. . . , though we can't help it if we're cute, but-- REALLY, ninnies? Your libido is NOT encouraged here. Nor are your outfits. So you can go grab each others asses on the dance floor now! Buh-Bye!

After Amy and I gave each other sexual assault counseling, we sat down next to them and asked if this was Tony's table. After all, I wanted to avoid any contact with these men if possible, so in order to not waste my time, I inquired of our location: "Is this Tony's table?". I thought maybe the music was just loud, because they sort of gave me this blank stare, so I repeated myself. They looked at each other, looked back at me, and said,"Who's Tony? We don't know. . . um, I don't think so. . ." Uh, Oookaaayyyy?? Thanks a lot, assholes! After receiving this unhelpful information, Amy and I decided maybe we were at the wrong spot, so we got up to walk around-- awkwardly, of course, since I didn't want to get too close to the stripper girl, nor the guido guys flanked at her sides. ((STD's are a major killer these days, or so I hear. . .)) Luckily, Tony walked in, and assured us that we WERE at the right table, and he had no idea who those pansies were. Too bad Tony's such a nice guy, cuz I would've kicked their shaved little asses right down to the Castro, where they might get more play and not drink all our free booze! I swear to god, if this was some sort of buffet, these guys would be the ones stuffing the twice-baked cornbread deep down in their pockets. Dude, they were pouring 3 drinks at a time so that they had "back up drinks" for later. ((Ya, they actually said that)) As if the little, pink, Vodka/Cranberries weren't enough to put these pussies over the top, they needed "back-ups" for later. Is this some sort of JOKE!? Ugh. Regardless, Amy and I kept to our side of the couch, and sipped on our DIY cocktails as a few of our friends decided to float in and join us. Things seemed pretty normal for a little while. . . well, as normal as they could be at this point. . . But, seriously, wait-- it gets better! After we had settled into our corner to take in the madness, shit really started to hit the fan.

Naturally, the more time goes by, the more people drink, and get drunk, and act stupid.! Now, I'm not talking about Amy or I, because as I already described, the girly-men next to us were already hot on the booze, which left little (much needed) resources to get a buzz. Rather, I am referring to the douche bags that lined the bar. I mean, seriously!? First of all, it's really unfortunate that I'm even having to write this. Tony is a nice guy, and the music was actually pretty decent, (You know, the kinda shit I lost my virginity to when I was sixteen) but for real, the bling that was bedazzled onto one particular Guidos 'Ed Hardy' tee-shirt, standing near the bar, was killing me softly! Now, it's actually hard to say when I noticed, 'said Guido'. He was puttin the moves on some "wanna-be, Puff Daddy video girl, backup, dancer" I think, when I first caught eye of the glimmer. But, I believe I started watching his antics when my friend, Tony, informed me that he was a participant in the popular, Cirque du Soleil show "O", in Las Vegas. (Figures) Yeah. Well. After seeing this guy, I was as far from an "O" than your dick on whiskey. But, being the nice, tolerant, individual I am, I continued to watch this fucking ridiculousness as it unfolded before my Vodka tainted eyes. 'O-face' decided that he was going to battle it out with 'backup-dancer', and an immediate buzz killer was upon the whole crowd!

Okay, seriously. People! PLEASE! If you are going to show off by dancing ((which I often do)) please leave room for the rest of us! As I had mentioned before, the music wasn't that bad, so you better believe that when Sean Paul's "Get Busy" came on, I wasn't gonna sit back and let these circus freaks take the show! On any given night, I completely support the notion to get wild. . . but on THIS particular night, I couldn't stand the characters that were shoving me toward the DJ booth! Im not fucking joking, this freaking guy was doing BACKFLIPS on the dance floor! Yeah, that's right, acrobatic maneuvers that were FAR TOO inappropriate for a club. Shit, I was learning front handsprings in the 5th grade, but that doesn't mean I'd be bustin' em out in the club! This guy must've blended in between the bedazzled dew rags and the popped collars, cuz i swear he came out of nowhere! I honestly feared for my life. And it was not pretty. I DO NOT CARE if you are in one of the most affluent acrobatic shows in the world, please do not round-house kick me to the face on the dance floor! It's not cute. And -that's that! Not even the back-up dancer wants to compete against you. It's okay. We realize that when you did the splits it meant you were gay, and that's okay!! But, please DO NOT take up the whole fucking dancefloor with your bedazzled ass! JEEEZUS!

Man, Ugh. Well! After that whole scene, I really don't know what to say. I was shocked. And, after fearing for my life, and my beautiful nose, for a few hours--Amy and I, and our other friends, decided that enough was enough! His be-jewels were impressing me as much as the brownies did in my "E-Z Bake Oven" back in '94. Yup, you guessed it--they sucked! So, we took off, and admired ourselves instead. . .

Here's my shameless promotion: I promise you'd rather watch me shake my ass WITH YOU at one of our parties this weekend! I got one this weekend at Club 6 on 60th Sixth St. SF, or on the 26th at 111 Minna Gallery. All are worth attending, and I can promise, but not guarantee, that "O-boy" will not be there!

Peace--Kiss.